Coping Well With The Most Common Psychological Effects of Infertility
From:
Jill Daniel
2 days 22 hours 9 minutes ago
When couples struggle with infertility, it can cause high stress in their intimate relationship. There’s a feeling of failing in one of the most basic human functions: reproduction. The outcome of failing to reproduce can also be unconsciously linked to feeling as if they’re failing at their marriage. It’s a critical time when both parties feel a heightened sense of vulnerability, powerlessness, and the loss of a big dream, the joy of bearing children together. Rather than ignore the stress and strain that a couple’s relationship is undergoing, it’s best to admit and talk openly about the psychological impact of infertility and find ways to cope and strengthen the bond between partners.Glam.com asked psychotherapist Sue Patton Thoele, an expert in couple’s relationships and author of “Heart-Centered Marriage”, as well as the bestselling, empowering books for women, “The Mindful Woman” and “The Courage to Be Yourself”, for her knowledge in guiding couples through this life-altering period.
1) Let Yourself Grieve: 
“Experiencing grief is a natural response to loss. Having difficulty conceiving and carrying a healthy child to term is a huge loss. Loss of a dream, loss of a role we may have assumed we’d have at some point in life, loss of an envisioned future, loss of intimacy with our partner, loss of self-esteem,” says Thoele.In your grieving be careful to understand that men and women process sorrow differently, especially this particular grief, advises Thoele. “Yes, you are in the situation together and can console and support one another, but it’s also important for a woman to find other women to talk with who have experienced a similar loss.” Additionally, be sure to express your grief constructively…“This can include physical expressions such as whacking a pillow with a tennis racket, screaming in the car or other safe and private place—but not at someone, notably your mate.”As you’re grieving, don’t start carrying your sadness in your back pocket for the future, expecting further disappointment. Thoele suggests, “Stay out of the FUTURE HOLE. Express the grief you’re feeling now, but as much as possible, keep your mind from going into the future and creating scenarios that simply make you feel worse and may not be true.” Such as, we’ll never have children now, our marriage won’t survive this, I’ll never be happy about anything again…
2) Stop the Guilt and Blame:“In the face of unwanted circumstances, it’s so natural—and so destructive—to want to find someone or something to blame. Women so often turn that blame onto themselves which leads to guilt and a slump in self-esteem,” explains Thoele. “If you find yourself badmouthing yourself, either outwardly or inwardly, STOP! Thoughts such as, “I’m such a failure, I can’t even get pregnant!” or “What’s wrong with me that I can’t have a baby?” or “I know it must be his fault for riding that bicycle so much, drinking too much, not being willing to….etc, etc.. and so forth” will depress your emotions and your
immune system which also lessens the possibilities for a viable pregnancy.” Instead do your best to adopt a loving and accepting attitude towards yourself, your mate, and the circumstances suggests
Thoele. “Optimism, acceptance, and hope provide an internal climate that your body responds to positively and healthily.Monitor your attitude and gently but steadfastly move it from pessimism to hopeful beliefs. It’s okay to even pretend. Your sub-conscious mind will respond positively.”
3) Commit to enjoying mutual passion & playfulness:
Sue Thoele calls it the “De-romanticizing of Sexual Love”. Working on getting pregnant often moves the energy and ambiance of sexual love from fun to functional, from relaxing and romantic to mechanical, from stress-reducing to stress inducing, and from being a blessed oasis, to yet another “to-do list” item on an already overloaded list of shoulds and have-to’s, she says. Whew, what a killjoy! What to do now?Thoele says in order to provide a counter-balance to the inevitable medical and mechanical aspects of infertility, it is essential to set time aside to simply be together in intimate ways. In other words, without an agenda or desired outcome, play together…pleasure each other. Here are Thoele’s tips for each activity…
For Play:
“At least once a month, play something you both enjoyed and thought was fun before infertility became a part of your reality. Relax, enjoy, even be a little ornery…Get back in touch with the childlike, entertaining sides of each other that attracted you originally. With conscious commitment, downplay the seriousness of infertility with soft-edged, supportive stillness.”
For Pleasure:
“As often as you can, take time to sweetly and seriously pleasure each other simply for the sake of reconnecting physically and sexually, not in a goal-oriented way. In fact, because it’s so easy for men, especially to begin to feel like a circus dog..Sit! Lie Down! Get it up! Come!...while working with infertility, it might be wise to have an agreement that there be…no penetration for procreation purposes…during Partner Pleasuring Sessions. Set aside an hour or more a week to reconnect as lovers, not prospective parents. Exchange head or feet rubs, give and receive the special touching that each of you love with no expectations of “going all the way”.Ask your partner what he would like right now and tell him what you would like him to do for you. Men really do want to please us but they need guidance about how to do that. Enjoy! Be in joy.
Bring joy…”
